3rd – Youl Mawene’s Love Clinic
Young footballers are now provided all manner of help and support from a veritable army of fitness coaches, nutritionists, councillors, financial advisors etc.
You may recall a while ago there was a small craze of ‘where are they now’ type articles around ex Rams players (Malcolm Christie selling cars etc). Bringing these two things together, Ramspace has discovered that ex Rams defender Youl Mawene has forged himself a nice career as a Love Doctor for the impressionable Academy youngster. Check it out.
Dear Youl, I’ve just been offered a professional contract by a Premiership club & now the best looking girl at my school wants to go out with me. I’ve got the moisturizer, hair product & a can of Lynx ready to go, how should I play it?
YM- Forget any thoughts of the Cinema, going for a coffee or, ow you say, a ‘cheekie Nandos’. Take her to your local Bistro Pierre and drench yourself in some Gaultiere aftershave (don’t worry if you’re not shaving yet). Youl be making love by Tuesday.
Dear Youl, I’m a thirty large a week rising star at Chelsea and have no problem pulling women. However I can never get past the first date and thus am permanently stuck on first base. What’s going on man?
YM- Stop watching Youtube and spending your life on Snapchat. Invest in the works of the great 19th century Parisian poets. Ditch the sports casual hoodies and tracksuits and get yourself a tailored Versace suit made up. Youl be making love by Wednesday.
Dear Youl, I’m actually an ageing pro and have just split up with my wife. I know I’m not bad looking & have still got some of my old magic. However I just don’t know where or how to meet available women. Any suggestions?
YM- Two words Mon Amie, “International Break”. Three quarters of the squad will be away for the best part of 10 days, leaving various lonely young ladies on their own in a strange town. Organise a couple of rendezvous’s chez tous and Youl be making love Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.
Dear Youl, I’ve been away for a while but might be coming back soon. I’ve already arranged a first date for when I get home. I know she likes ‘school disco’ themed club nights as she’s always wearing fancy dress school uniform. She must really enjoy it because she face timed me the other day & she was dressed up ready for Saturday night & it was only 3.45 on a Thursday afternoon. Can you help?
YM – Sacre Bleu Johnson, If I were you I’d just chill this Sunday.